1. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
2. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
3. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
4. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
5. If at first you don't succeed, sky diving is not for you.
6. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
7. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
8. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
9. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
10. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
11. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
12. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
13. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
14. Never, ever, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
15. It's never too late to have a happy childhood.